IDK If I’m Going to Grad School

I’ve been telling everyone that I’m returning to USC in the fall to pursue my master’s degree in Professional Writing. I even added it to my email signature yesterday. But truth be told, I don’t know what’s going on.

I have no idea what God’s plan is for my life. I know that I want to continue working in-depth with the USChangeMovement, which would be easier with a valid student ID card. I know that I can learn a lot from the MPW program and I know that I could bless a lot of young women on campus if I were around for two more years. There are too many Kingdom reasons for me to return to USC. The main reason why I even want to attend is so that I can write a book on sexual purity and have the resources and guidance to do so, unburdened by a full-time job and “real world” responsibilities.

Deep down, I know that God is going to come through for me, but at the same time I don’t. I don’t know if His definition of a breakthrough is in line with mine. I’m not sure if asking for a full-ride to grad school is a bold request or an unrealistic expectation. Shouldn’t it be enough that I passed my GRE and got accepted into the only program I applied to?

I wish that I could be content with what He’s already done over the course of this year alone. I really wanted my next post about grad school to be a celebratory one. I’m angry with myself for not having enough faith to throw praise parties in advance. While I have an unlimited amount of faith in His ability, my faith in His faithfulness is not on the same level.

Every day when I check my email, I’m looking for the magic words: congratulations…scholarship! And every time those words fail to appear, I second-guess everything. Did God even tell me to apply to grad school? What if it’s not meant for me to go? But why would He allow me to get in? He could’ve just blocked my application and I wouldn’t be in this situation. I should’ve applied to TFA… Eventually I snap out of it and carry on with my day, but in the back of my mind I’m wondering why God won’t grant me the one thing I’ve been trusting Him for in exchange for all the work I’ve been putting in for Him lately. (As if He owes me anything. Ha!)

I’ve considered signing the $20,000 promissory note USC Financial Aid keeps reminding me about, but while I’m confident that I’ll eventually have the means to pay it back, I can’t bring myself to accrue more debt in the name of education. I don’t know whether I’m being naïve or wise, but every time I glance at my Great Lakes account, I can’t help but feel a certain type of way. (I won’t be able to accurately describe said feeling until I start making payments.)

I pray every day for God’s will to be done. And in all honesty, I’m perfectly fine with whatever that is. I wouldn’t even be a writer if it weren’t for His will, so believe me; I’m down for His cause. I guess my problem lies in the uncertainty. I’ve never really had to function this deep into the unknown before. And even now, things aren’t that real. (I’m living with my parents, rent-free.)

If this is my introduction to grown-up faith, I must admit that I’m a little intimidated by the thought of my upper-division courses. I wish I could tell you that I’ve been dancing and singing in the midst of my depleting account balance and non-existent financial aid award. (By nature, I manage to sing and dance regardless, but it requires more effort than usual.)

I’d like to believe that God will miraculously supply me with a full-ride scholarship, but I can’t say with complete faith whether or not that will happen. I do know, however, that no matter where I end up, I’ll continue rocking with the King for however long He allows me to. In all sincerity, He’s already done more than enough. The fact that I even have the sanity and resources to write this post is a testament to His grace.

To everyone in the post-grad struggle, join me in placing your hope in God instead of your circumstances. His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are more worthy of our time than we think they are. As I type, I’m reminded of His perfect timing that never fails.

I’m going to continue telling people of my plans to enter the Master of Professional Writing program up until August 26th at 6:59pm, a minute before my first class begins. I’m confident that He’ll be with me whether or not I ever step foot into a USC classroom again. No one who hopes in Him will ever be put to shame. (Psalm 25:3)